I’m writing a chapter to be published in the anthology She Who Flows: Guidance for Surrendering to the Divine Feminine and Witnessing the Miracles of Self-Love.
I started with a thorough introduction into who I am, my experiences and exposure to masculine and feminine energy, and how it lead to my curious fascination with the divine feminine. However, I’m limited to only 1,850 words so I had to cut the intro. But it’s still really good! I’m happily sharing it with you 🥰
I was raised in a conservative Christian household, regularly attending Sunday services at an Alliance church.
Growing up, my mom was the primary parent as my dad was a long-haul truck driver (if you want to read more about my challenging relationship with my dad, I wrote about it and shared it at his funeral). My mom was my primary example1 of what it was to be a woman. When I was a kid, she sold Mary Kay Cosmetics. Their motto was “if it’s meant to be, it’s up to me”. Great for multi-level marketing. Terrible for feminine energy.
As a child, I internalized this driven, masculine energy. My mom was a people-pleaser and was easily upset by others who constantly pushed her around. This taught me to have strong emotional and relational boundaries to protect myself. And with my dad away from the house, I absorbed the role of the enforcer and disciplinarian.
In my early teens, I was introduced to the Pentecostal denomination which my father quickly assessed to be devil worship. I can’t blame him. They were waving the country flags of the world, parading and dancing through the sanctuary, blowing through a ram’s horn and had little to no sermon. But I loved it! I loved the organic flow and Spirit-led approach. These people lived large. They felt fully. They worshiped fully and with abandonment. They were open vessels for the Holy Spirit to move through and lead them. I hadn’t experienced that before. They danced as the Spirit led. Their bodies were fluid and energetic. It took me years to shed the layers of self-restraint that I had built up as a child. Looking back, this was my first introduction to the divine feminine.
In my early years as an adult, I fell more and more away from church.
About the same time I met my now husband, I was healing from my first career burnout. I turned to yoga for mind and body healing and relaxation. I felt the work stress melt away. I was unable to turn to church or religion because that had been my source of burnout. I worked for a non-profit Christian ministry which was an after-school program for kids and youth. It was deeply revealing to me, and I was thoroughly disillusioned by church ministries and religious organizations. Only now can I articulate that the cause is the wounded feminine. The building we worked in was run down and moldy causing staff to be repeatedly sick which required other staff to step in and do the job of one or two people until they would fall sick too. We operated in lack, minimal pay, inadequate time off… Being self-less and wearing many hats was glorified and taking time off to rest was looked down on. We were perpetually under-staffed and under-appreciated.
It was actually through the writings of Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra (“new age” spiritual writers) that I began to understand the difference between scarcity mindset and seeing the world through the eyes of abundance.
At this time, I discovered and learned about paganism (earth-based festivals) and with my value on slow living and love for the earth, this seemed a better expression for me.
"...[I am] desiring to deepen my spiritual practice. I’ve been seeing some very beautiful and soul-full pagan rituals and am sad that my Christian faith does not have more to integrate into my daily life and does not mark the cycles of the earth or the moon or the seasons. There is no Christian celebration for Thanksgiving, and the only festivals are the birth and death/resurrection of Christ. And what do we do to observe these? Go to church. There is no individual practice around it. Even as close as the Catholic church, we have the added observance of Advent before Christmas and the observance of Lent before Easter. But neither are typically observed in Protestant churches/doctrines."
Journal Entry: November 5, 2018
However, the history of paganism does not shine a good light on Christianity.
It exposed the roots of how Christianity was popularized (made mandatory), and the patriarchy behind Catholicism, and, consequently, the centuries of oppression for women - all due to the way Christianity was led. Certainly not all Christian denominations have adopted the suppression of women but that was the way it was modelled for me through the Alliance church when I grew up.
This is why I am so passionate about women in leadership, women’s empowerment, etc. It is so critical for women to speak up and use our voices because of the centuries-long systemic silencing and disempowerment of women. Men in leadership saw how truly powerful we can be when we’re tuned into our inner divine feminine and the drive for power and absolute control overcame them to look for every possible way to take power away from women.
What supports us in shining our light?
Set aside scarcity thinking and see the world through the eyes of abundance.
Pursue whole body health: body, mind and soul.
Feminine movement: Kundalini or yin yoga
Traditional Chinese Medicine
Plug into Spirit or intuition. Many modalities can help here:
Ayurveda
Astrology
Tarot cards, angel cards, other kinds of cards
Meditation or prayer
Affirmations
Doing and thinking things which build self-worth and self-confidence
Having fun!
Soulful community2, uplifting relationships focusing on courageous and creative conversation.
Church small groups
Books clubs
Frequenting the same library or cafe or park or hike or running path
Visiting friends or family that fill you up
I remember it was like reading a whole new language to me, when I was first learning about the divine feminine. I was shocked to discover I had been living my entire life to that point in my masculine. It was so hard for me to loosen my hold on everything around me. I felt the passivity was lazy and actionless. This control was an addiction that took time to unlearn.
If you find yourself stumped at what the heck feminine traits even are, I would love to hold space for you and chat. If you feel comfortable, I invite you to share where you are in your journey.
We are in this together.
All my love,
Amanda
On August 10, 2022 I released a 40-minute podcast episode titled My Expectation of Motherhood. You’re welcome to have a listen!
Community includes people who we see frequently. It includes our friends, and it also includes people at our grocery store, library, church, clubs, hobby groups (photography, knitting, sewing, quilting, etc.), sports, spouse, family, extended family, counsellor, babysitter, food delivery, house cleaner, pelvic floor specialist, the beauty technician (whether for waxing, sugaring, nails, facials, brows, etc.), massage therapist, postpartum doula, family doctor, obgyn, midwife, neighbors, birth doula, fitness coach, chiropractor, dentist, nutritionist, people working at stores we often shop from (toy stores, pharmacy’s, clothing stores, craft stores, sewing stores, etc.), and any other specialist we see. It could even be the person running the till at the gas station! Even in a city, our community is all around us.