“Everything in this world is going up and happiness is going down. How many of us can recall that childhood moment when we experienced happiness as a state of being? That single moment of untarnished joy; that moment where EVERYTHING in our world, inside and out, was all right. Everything was all right. And now we become a colony of adults and everything is all wrong – all the time! It’s as if we were on a quest to get it back, and yet the more we focus on our own personal happiness, the more it eludes us. In fact, it is only when we are otherwise engaged – focused, absorbed, inspired, communicating, discovering, learning, dancing – that we experience happiness as a bi-product, a side-effect. We should concern ourselves not so much with the pursuit of happiness, but with the happiness of pursuit.” from the movie Hector and the Search for Happiness.
Excerpts from my book:
The Year of Excellence. Blog, posted December 19, 2016
… The British Dictionary defines excellence as “state or quality of excelling; outdo; surpass; to be superior in some quality; to be outstandingly good at or proficient. From the Latin word excellere ‘to rise up’.”
That would be great and dandy if not for one little thing that gets in the way: resistance. Call it what you will – reservations, fear, inadequacy – it always gets in the way. I could tell you great and amazing dreams and visions that I see for my life, but truth be told, the progress so far is mostly over mental battles and has not yet materialized itself in physical or material gain. For this reason it is still very easy for me to become downcast as the progress of “character growth” is not very tangible.
Often I suffer from the lie that I have not accomplished anything in life; that my life is menial; that I am plagued with un-happiness. The reality is that I have much to be grateful for. I’m far more ahead mentally and spiritually than I was even 3 years ago, and I have amazingly strong ties with my family and with Jonathan. I have a very affordable roof over my head, I have reliable transportation available to me, and a stable income to afford great food and all the seasons of The Big Bang Theory.
But that “un-happiness” mindset is a stubborn one to shake. In my curiosity in how to “solve” un-happiness, several works have revealed themselves to me. Last year, The Museum of Vancouver put on an exhibit called “The Happiness Show", a 10-year research project by graphic artist Stefan Sagmeister. The artist researched what made people happy, what made him happy, and what culture views as what makes us happy. (Check Google for images of the exhibit.) After being drawn to this exhibit, I happened upon the book titled “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. While I have yet to purchase and read the entire book, I did spend a good amount of time perusing the pages in a bookshop, and I can already tell you it is a great read.
More recently, the film Hector and the Search for Happiness was recommended to me. Hector is a psychiatrist who realizes that his patients aren’t getting any happier, so he goes on a journey of self-discovery (and flies around the world) to find the answer. [He makes a list throughout the movie of what happiness is.] The below points are the ones that spoke loudest to me:
Making comparisons can spoil your happiness.
Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness.
Your sphere of influence matters. Does this person bring you predominantly a) up; or b) down?
Happiness is answering your calling.
Happiness is being loved for who you are.
Sweet potato stew! (or good food)
Happiness is feeling completely alive.
Happiness is knowing how to celebrate.
On his final stop before he returns home, Hector attends a lecture by a “Happiness Guru” (the character, Professor Coreman, played by Christopher Plummer, studies the effects of happiness on the brain). Professor Coreman shared the following insight:
“Everything in this world is going up and happiness is going down. How many of us can recall that childhood moment when we experienced happiness as a state of being? That single moment of untarnished joy; that moment where EVERYTHING in our world, inside and out, was alright. Everything was alright. And now we become a colony of adults and everything is all wrong – all the time! It’s as if we were on a quest to get it back, and yet the more we focus on our own personal happiness, the more it eludes us. In fact, it is only when we are otherwise engaged – focused, absorbed, inspired, communicating, discovering, learning, dancing – that we experience happiness as a bi-product, a side-effect. We should concern ourselves not so much with the pursuit of happiness, but with the happiness of pursuit.”
Happiness is not necessarily only positive emotion, but all emotion. Happiness is all of them; happiness is all of the colors of life.
“Essence is real, and when you capture it, happiness follows because all the qualities of essence follow. Trying to be happy as an end in itself is limited; you will be fortunate just to meet your ego’s requirements for a happy life. If instead you devote yourself to a total shift in awareness, happiness arrives as a gift freely bestowed by consciousness.” – page 223 The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra
If the pursuit is not happiness, then what is it?
I would like to suggest a pursuit: Passion. Passion and Self-Mastery.
To me now, what this really means is to pursue what brings me joy; do what I enjoy doing; do what fills up my cup.
Recently, I tried a new thing and I was not a fan. I thought I would like it and I did not. My husband felt terrible for me. He was excited for this nice day I had planned for myself and it simply didn’t pan out the way I had anticipated. He encouraged me to stick with things I know I like. He reminded me how much I enjoyed a massage from Spa Utopia out in Langley. That was 2 years ago, and I really enjoyed it, so why haven’t I gone back? I had an AMAZING experience at the saunas of Art of Sauna in Burnaby. Why didn’t I go there instead?
The answer was quite simple: I look to what others enjoy and assume I will like it or want to do that thing. What I haven’t been doing is looking within to know what I like or what I want to do.
That was a hard truth to swallow.
Since my dad passed away at the beginning of this year, I’ve seen myself through clearer and clearer eyes. It is almost as if there was some block while he was alive that made me think I had to be something I’m not. The most impactful realization so far is that I am far more filled up by quality time with 2-3 people I know well, and exhausted and depleted after spending time in a group with 5+ people who I don’t know well. Conversation with strangers or meeting and getting to know a new person is particularly draining for me.
Now that I can easily identify this one aspect of what I enjoy, it is so much easier for me to make decisions about what I want to do. I still 100% feel like I’m missing out on things like big birthday party’s that happen in the evening, but I know it would not be nourishing to my soul if I were to attend.
And so, my conversation with myself continues. I am asking ‘who am I’ and ‘what do I want’; ‘what do I enjoy’?
I set some goals for myself recently. You can read about that post here.
Here’s the highlights:
I want to release stress, release insecurity.
I want to take up space.
I want to discover who I am at every level, at the deepest level, and operate from that place of true identity - with no disclaimers/unapologetically.
I want to stop looking at others to determine what I want or who I am.
I want to solely look within to discover what I want or what is true to me or what I enjoy.
Last year I thought my 2024 new years’ intention would be worthiness and enough-ness. I dedicated myself to a morning meditation practice in December and it radically flipped a switch inside me. Then my dad had a heart attack December 19, 2023, and passed away January 1, 2024.
I’m trying new things, like baking. And I feel myself crawling out of my skin and writhing with insecurity. I am not the cook in our family. My husband does all the food stuff and all the work in the kitchen (on top of being full-time dad). I am the income earner. This makes the kitchen feel like a strange place for me to do anything other than make tea or coffee.
And here’s the racy part: I am experiencing a direct link between receiving oral s€x, and being comfortable and confident in spending money on myself. It seems the more oral s€x I receive from my husband, the more I exert energy towards my own self-care. What’s more, oral s€x feels way more amazing to me when I keep my bathing suit parts sugared (as opposed to shaved or waxed). It is the most enjoyable and pleasurable experience for me to be sugared and it makes oral s€x and s€x so much more stimulating. The better and more frequent the s€x, the more I value myself and exert energy to care for myself. Before, I was so stingy with spending money on myself. Now, this is a priority for me.
The risk of failure seems enough to discourage me from even trying most days. I was so much more determined in my youth. Facing the fear of insecurity seems like something I am learning for the first time. Living life with passion; pursuing those things which I love and fill me up - living life like this greatly exposes my weaknesses.
Here’s some more thoughts from The Year of Excellence. Blog, posted December 19, 2016, on overcoming obstacles to live passionately:
“There is no limit to how far your influence can reach, but to find that out you must engage life with passion. When you do anything with passion, you express every aspect of who you are. Passion releases all the energy you possess. At that moment you put yourself on the line, for if you throw everything you have into a pursuit, your defects and weaknesses are also exposed. Passion brings up everything.
“This inescapable fact discourages many people, who dislike the negative parts of themselves so much, or are so intimidated by them, that they hold their passion in check in the belief that life will be made safer… In general terms, there are three levels of commitment you can express:
Going into a situation only far enough to meet the first real obstacle
Going into a situation far enough to conquer some obstacles
Going into a situation far enough to conquer all obstacles
“Level 1 says ‘I’m not satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. Things didn’t go the way I wanted them. Others did a lot better than I have managed to. I lost my enthusiasm and got discouraged. I still keep doing what I have to, but mostly I’m skating on the surface. I feel I have mostly failed.’
“Level 2 says ‘I’m fairly satisfied with my accomplishment. I’m not always at my best but I keep up with the pack. I am counted on as someone who knows what they’re doing. I’ve overcome a lot to get to be this good. I feel mostly like a success.’
“Level 3 says ‘I mastered what I set out to do. People look up to me and consider me the old pro. I know the ins and outs of this whole thing, and I feel deep satisfaction about that. I rarely have to think anymore about what’s involved. My intuition carries me along. This area of my life is a major passion.’ ” – page 237 & 238 The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra
The inability to conquer all obstacles is resulted from reservations (otherwise known as resistance or fear).
“Imagine a baby who wants to walk but has these reservations:
I don’t want to look bad
I don’t want to fall down
I don’t want anyone else to watch me fail
I don’t want to live with the burden of failure
I don’t want to expend all my energy
I don’t want any pain
I want to get things over with as fast as possible
“For a baby, these reservations seem absurd. If any of them applied, learning to walk would never happen, or it would happen tentatively. The chance for mastery could never present itself. Yet as adults we resort to these reservations all the time. We deny ourselves mastery as a result.” – page 239 The Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra
“It may be that the human race is not ready for freedom. The air of liberty may be too rarefied for us to breathe… The paradox seems to be, as Socrates demonstrated long ago, that the truly free individual is free only to the extent of his own self-mastery. While those who will not govern themselves are condemned to find a master to govern over them.” – Steven Pressfield.